Yep.

I'm going to do my best, people. I have Ice Loves Coco on the DVR and I'm ready to start image searching like a mad woman.

But a high-profile reality show means the one thing that could be pure poison for this blog: personal stylists. The promo shots are terrifyingly free of visible nipple and camel toe. I'm crossing my fingers that their publicity tour turns up some good material.

This picture almost makes me cry. Pants and an opaque shirt on Coco? And Ice doesn't even match!?

Put Your Mind To It, Go For It, Get Down and Break A Sweat

We have so few champions of femininity in our society today. Women should dress like ladies! I'm so happy to see Coco doing her part, staying true to tradition with the color pink and keeping her heels on. Imagine Ice walking in on this scene. There would be no boner casualties due to unfortunate apparel like frumpy, holey t-shirts and ratty, stinky tennis shoes!

Nicole Austin, a role model for good wife behavior in the 21st century!

Pretty Woman

Last time Coco went shopping, some mean saleslady told her, "I don't think we have anything for you here. You're obviously in the wrong place." We all know what happens next, Daddy comes along with the black AMEX and smacks down the Rodeo Drive haters!

Two in the Pink

You have to wonder what the other Crips must be thinking when they see something like this. I bet they talk some serious shit at their weekly luncheons and finance committee meetings. But those young gangstas know they have to show respect when in the presence of the OG. They certainly can't risk his wrath, because the only thing that will ruin your rep worse on the streets than wearing pink crocodile skin shoes is getting your face stomped by pink crocodile skin shoes.

And although they're a small part, the shoes are the crowning jewel of the ensemble. I wish I knew if a) more than one pair was made, and b) who bought the second (and possbily third and beyond) pair?

Ride My Pimp

Would you like some liquer-filled chocolates?

Coco is always posing for car magazines. Well, those and men's magazines that cater to Sir Mix-a-Lot sympathizers. But in this photo we see Coco letting Ice have center stage in the auto photo shoot, sitting on the hood of his Mercedes. First I thought, whoah, the Mercedes is a nice car, but not one that I would necessarily consider Gangsta with a capital G. More like "Investa" or "Stock Broka."

But most Mercedes don't have those flip-up doors straight out of the factory. Obviously Ice has had his ride pimped the fuck out! We can't really see what other features this car has that are decidely hood, but I know my man Ice has good taste. He married the fabulous Nicole Austin, after all!

Hallux Camelus

We haven't seen any obvious Coco Toe for awhile. I figured I should refresh your minds just so you didn't start wondering if maybe it was all a false memory--an illusion of youth like Santa Claus or honest politicians.

I'm fairly certain the photo below is from the same event? Ice's 50th Birthday Bash perhaps? Unfortunately, P. Diddy's event planner was unavailable that day, hence the choice of helium balloons as decor. As Ice looks down on his bride as she performs the Chicken Dance in honor of his special day, I can only imagine he's gazing in wonderment at those stiletto heels and her amazing ability to get low and still keep her balance on those things.

Coco's new fave store: Blanche Devereux Consignments

Did I ever mention that I have ESP?

Would you like proof?

Here you go.....you just moved in more closely toward the screen and squinted. AM I RIGHT???

If it was anyone else, I would guess that it was a brown background that just happened to match the tone of fake tan. But Coco doesn't normally fuck around with semi-nude optical illusions, so I think it really might be EXACTLY what it looks like.

As a coordinated couple, the Ts are innovators once again, establishing the latest nouveau-retro trend. Ice's gray suit with a handkerchief in the pocket paired with Coco's Florida condo drapery were heavily inspired by 1988, specifically:

The Ts Got Game(show)

ALERT! The T family is appearing on tomorrow night's premiere of Celebrity Family Feud. Appearing with Ice and Coco are Coco's sister, Tina, Ice Jr., and some guy named "Sean." Let's all tune in to see Ice and Coco fuck up Joan River's proverbial shit. It's a good thing Ice is going up against Joan here instead of the old played out drive-by; I'm pretty sure her entire body is made of some kind of bullet-proof, space-age, high-tensile-strength, synthetic polymer. Here's a preview of Ice keeping it gangsta, even on family hour, prime time TV.

If only Tupac and Biggie had access to this healthy outlet for their beef back in the 90s, the East Coast/West Coast feud could've been 100 times more entertaining for adults and children alike.

EDIT: Tina Austin is Nicole's MOTHER, not her sister. Do you think it's awky that Ice graduated high school before CocoMama?

Ice of Diamonds

The final nail in the coffin of that old white dress / virginity myth.

Is that Ice's kid in the photo? He's not wearing a Yankees cap. In fact, it might even be a Mets hat! I guess that's the only way you can really rebel as a child when your dad was in the fucking CRIPS. That or marry a small-tittied, unmanicured, chemical engineer.

I do love Coco's pleated skirt. It's very Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-A-Corner.

And Aretha Franklin looks thrilled to be in this photo.

Couples mesh

How often do you see both a woman's and a man's nipple in one frame, and feel more shocked and taken aback by the male one?

They say that print tends to make things larger, and Coco's pants prove it to be true. Her spandex tights emblazoned with the brand "Patricia Field" highlight her buttcheek, as it creeps around and nearly devours her hip. But are they see-through? And is that a translucent Coco Toe, or is it just a shadow? I'll leave this one up to you, gentle reader, but I fancy myself an optimist, so I vote yes.