Yep.

I'm going to do my best, people. I have Ice Loves Coco on the DVR and I'm ready to start image searching like a mad woman.

But a high-profile reality show means the one thing that could be pure poison for this blog: personal stylists. The promo shots are terrifyingly free of visible nipple and camel toe. I'm crossing my fingers that their publicity tour turns up some good material.

This picture almost makes me cry. Pants and an opaque shirt on Coco? And Ice doesn't even match!?

Put Your Mind To It, Go For It, Get Down and Break A Sweat

We have so few champions of femininity in our society today. Women should dress like ladies! I'm so happy to see Coco doing her part, staying true to tradition with the color pink and keeping her heels on. Imagine Ice walking in on this scene. There would be no boner casualties due to unfortunate apparel like frumpy, holey t-shirts and ratty, stinky tennis shoes!

Nicole Austin, a role model for good wife behavior in the 21st century!

Pretty Woman

Last time Coco went shopping, some mean saleslady told her, "I don't think we have anything for you here. You're obviously in the wrong place." We all know what happens next, Daddy comes along with the black AMEX and smacks down the Rodeo Drive haters!

Two in the Pink

You have to wonder what the other Crips must be thinking when they see something like this. I bet they talk some serious shit at their weekly luncheons and finance committee meetings. But those young gangstas know they have to show respect when in the presence of the OG. They certainly can't risk his wrath, because the only thing that will ruin your rep worse on the streets than wearing pink crocodile skin shoes is getting your face stomped by pink crocodile skin shoes.

And although they're a small part, the shoes are the crowning jewel of the ensemble. I wish I knew if a) more than one pair was made, and b) who bought the second (and possbily third and beyond) pair?

Ride My Pimp

Would you like some liquer-filled chocolates?

Coco is always posing for car magazines. Well, those and men's magazines that cater to Sir Mix-a-Lot sympathizers. But in this photo we see Coco letting Ice have center stage in the auto photo shoot, sitting on the hood of his Mercedes. First I thought, whoah, the Mercedes is a nice car, but not one that I would necessarily consider Gangsta with a capital G. More like "Investa" or "Stock Broka."

But most Mercedes don't have those flip-up doors straight out of the factory. Obviously Ice has had his ride pimped the fuck out! We can't really see what other features this car has that are decidely hood, but I know my man Ice has good taste. He married the fabulous Nicole Austin, after all!

Hallux Camelus

We haven't seen any obvious Coco Toe for awhile. I figured I should refresh your minds just so you didn't start wondering if maybe it was all a false memory--an illusion of youth like Santa Claus or honest politicians.

I'm fairly certain the photo below is from the same event? Ice's 50th Birthday Bash perhaps? Unfortunately, P. Diddy's event planner was unavailable that day, hence the choice of helium balloons as decor. As Ice looks down on his bride as she performs the Chicken Dance in honor of his special day, I can only imagine he's gazing in wonderment at those stiletto heels and her amazing ability to get low and still keep her balance on those things.

Coco's new fave store: Blanche Devereux Consignments

Did I ever mention that I have ESP?

Would you like proof?

Here you go.....you just moved in more closely toward the screen and squinted. AM I RIGHT???

If it was anyone else, I would guess that it was a brown background that just happened to match the tone of fake tan. But Coco doesn't normally fuck around with semi-nude optical illusions, so I think it really might be EXACTLY what it looks like.

As a coordinated couple, the Ts are innovators once again, establishing the latest nouveau-retro trend. Ice's gray suit with a handkerchief in the pocket paired with Coco's Florida condo drapery were heavily inspired by 1988, specifically:

The Ts Got Game(show)

ALERT! The T family is appearing on tomorrow night's premiere of Celebrity Family Feud. Appearing with Ice and Coco are Coco's sister, Tina, Ice Jr., and some guy named "Sean." Let's all tune in to see Ice and Coco fuck up Joan River's proverbial shit. It's a good thing Ice is going up against Joan here instead of the old played out drive-by; I'm pretty sure her entire body is made of some kind of bullet-proof, space-age, high-tensile-strength, synthetic polymer. Here's a preview of Ice keeping it gangsta, even on family hour, prime time TV.

If only Tupac and Biggie had access to this healthy outlet for their beef back in the 90s, the East Coast/West Coast feud could've been 100 times more entertaining for adults and children alike.

EDIT: Tina Austin is Nicole's MOTHER, not her sister. Do you think it's awky that Ice graduated high school before CocoMama?

Ice of Diamonds

The final nail in the coffin of that old white dress / virginity myth.

Is that Ice's kid in the photo? He's not wearing a Yankees cap. In fact, it might even be a Mets hat! I guess that's the only way you can really rebel as a child when your dad was in the fucking CRIPS. That or marry a small-tittied, unmanicured, chemical engineer.

I do love Coco's pleated skirt. It's very Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-A-Corner.

And Aretha Franklin looks thrilled to be in this photo.

Couples mesh

How often do you see both a woman's and a man's nipple in one frame, and feel more shocked and taken aback by the male one?

They say that print tends to make things larger, and Coco's pants prove it to be true. Her spandex tights emblazoned with the brand "Patricia Field" highlight her buttcheek, as it creeps around and nearly devours her hip. But are they see-through? And is that a translucent Coco Toe, or is it just a shadow? I'll leave this one up to you, gentle reader, but I fancy myself an optimist, so I vote yes.

Elite Squad

By the look on Dan Florek's face, I'm pretty sure I know what Coco's doing with her foot.

And check out Belzer, he looks downright childlike and giddy to be sandwiched between the King and Queen.

The three guys together are kind of touching as a BFF ensemble. The crusty Jew, the former gangsta rapper, and the bald, nerdy white guy...it's like a United Colors of Benetton ad for AARP magazine. But really, if these dudes can be friends, can't we all just get along?

He looks like a broke-ass Ice-T!

Ice and Coco attend the one, the only, Player Hater's Ball. Made famous by documentary producer Dave Chappelle and his contribution to the America Undercover series, the Player Hater's Ball is the annual celebration of the most diabolical haters this side of the Mississippi. Pimp cups overfloweth with watered down Hennessy. And watch where you step, or you may trip over a bedazzled cane!

This is a night for Ice and Coco to shine. Literally. Their pleather outfits are VERY shiny indeed. Even though Coco had to vomit for three days straight to get her corset that tight, I believe Ice (OPH, aka Original Player Hater), in his head-to-toe red snakeskin suit, is the star of the duo this time around.

Here we get a closer look at Ice's luxurious and hate-impervious jacket, as he announces the nominees of the 9th Annual International Player Hater's Ball.

Unfortunately hater of the year, Silky Johnson, was busy putting more water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish, and was not available for the group photo.

Once bitten, twice fly

ICE! Your cover is blown, bro. No real vampire would wear a cross around his neck.

Aside from the mythological faux pas, Coco and Ice are in true T-form. Red and black is a standard color scheme for these two, and they're pulling it off smashingly here. So many other demonstrations of their signature style are incorporated. Mesh tights on Coco, check. Sleeveless shirt for Ice, check. Coco's bosoms displayed front and center, check. Ice's fedora, check.

Ice adds a little flair with his plastic waffle vest and seemingly pleated leather pants -- it's nice to see him in some fun textures. However, he probably should've worn a more substantial vest; one without holes that those pesky wooden stakes can fit through.

I enjoy Coco's ironic horned headband. Her accessories may scream devil, but we know what an angel she really is! She hides her wings in her chest, you know. What else did you think she was hiding in there?

I wish I had more hands

So I could give those titties four thumbs UP.

Looks like Coco couldn't find a camisole to match. But you gotta work what you're workin' with, know what I'm sayin'? She really is generous with her nipple displays (shareolas). But as you know, an Iced Coco pic without Cocookie Nips is like Christmas without a drunken uncle making loud bigoted comments at the dinner table. It's kind of uncomfortable to witness, but you couldn't be sure you were in the right place without that element of familiarity.

As far as Ice's jacket, I thought the quilted look was in recently while I was shoe shopping. But some concerned souls told me these were hideous:


I returned them to the store, sadly. If I still had them, I'd mail them to Coco so she could complete the matching outfit look.

Cup Size: Ur Doin it Wrong

Oh Coco, I kid, I kid. By the looks of things, Coco is taking Ice to meet her parents for the very first time. They're going in disguise as non-nymphos, and are dressing the part as best they know how (but still unable to resist the urge to coordinate their outfits). Black clothing in opaque fabrics, check. Hipster glasses to demonstrate that they're serious about reading words, check. And most touching of all, Coco wore a bra for the occasion. Of course she hadn't been bra shopping since '97 when Mom made her wear one for her high school graduation, and this is that very same bra. But going mesh-free is a huge sacrifice....her parents should be flattered.

My Girl Coco: Flesh a la Mesh

One of Coco's greatest and most unique talents is being naked and wearing clothes at the same time. Mesh/netting facilitates this effect quite well, which is why half of her wardrobe consists of it.

A huge part of fashion is dressing for the occasion, and so figuring out where Coco is in each picture factors into the critique. This time, it appears she's attending a pimps and hos party....in someone's mom's basement. The paisley couch and low-grade berber carpet remind me of many a party in high school. Ice isn't present here, but if it's the type of party I mentioned, it's fitting Coco be ho-in' it up. But she chose quite the pimp to be her suitor! That pantsuit looks like its made of fine Asian silk, and his pimp cup is glamorous, but subtle enough to have a touch of class.

Gangsta rap maid me do it

So my initial thought is that this event must be on Halloween. But on second thought, it's probably just a Thursday.

During this average night on the town, Coco is going for Holly from Girls Next Door minus the look of crazy desperation meets Ally Sheedy in Maid to Order. And Ice is rocking a combo of Hef, Don King, and his paternal uncle, Mr. T. I also think Ice is rocking somethin' besides tobacco in that pipe.

Even Munch is too gangsta for those pants

I'm using today to weed out a few of my less fabulous shots. Coco was on the money here, but ICE, DUDE. What is up? Yes, he's wearing Crip Blue again, and by the looks of his jacket and presumably jersey underneath, he was attending a baseball game. But no matter how much you like the Yankees, blue polyester pants can never put the fab in ghetto fabulous. Those are high school janitor pants, Ice, I'm sorry. Coco must've been rooting for the opposing team, but I'm not sure who they were playing. Can anyone tell me what team has THIS for its mastcot?:

Business Caszzh

Yes, this is going to be a boring entry. But I want to make sure you all know I&C can dress professionally when going to a work-related event. Ice is wearing an all-black suit and a tie that you might find at Kohl's or JC Penney, in the old man section. Coco's dress is still cute and form fitting, but not a trace of nipple or even CLEAVAGE is visible. I want to say they're all business, but then again, I hold out hope Coco's wearing shoes with thick plastic platform heels.

COCO LOCO WEEKEND! :: Hunting the never elusive Coco Toe

Coco T doesn't so much "wear clothes" as she "accesorizes nudity." Many people get dressed with the intent of covering their bodies (particularly the areolas and labia for women), to prevent others from envisioning them naked during everyday interaction. But Ms. T likes to highlight her girl junk; here we see her in a variety of pants that all draw the eye directly to the Forbidden Zone. It's kind of like being nude, but with a lot more colors options than the simple "leather brown" that her skin offers.