Couples mesh

How often do you see both a woman's and a man's nipple in one frame, and feel more shocked and taken aback by the male one?

They say that print tends to make things larger, and Coco's pants prove it to be true. Her spandex tights emblazoned with the brand "Patricia Field" highlight her buttcheek, as it creeps around and nearly devours her hip. But are they see-through? And is that a translucent Coco Toe, or is it just a shadow? I'll leave this one up to you, gentle reader, but I fancy myself an optimist, so I vote yes.

Elite Squad

By the look on Dan Florek's face, I'm pretty sure I know what Coco's doing with her foot.

And check out Belzer, he looks downright childlike and giddy to be sandwiched between the King and Queen.

The three guys together are kind of touching as a BFF ensemble. The crusty Jew, the former gangsta rapper, and the bald, nerdy white guy...it's like a United Colors of Benetton ad for AARP magazine. But really, if these dudes can be friends, can't we all just get along?

He looks like a broke-ass Ice-T!

Ice and Coco attend the one, the only, Player Hater's Ball. Made famous by documentary producer Dave Chappelle and his contribution to the America Undercover series, the Player Hater's Ball is the annual celebration of the most diabolical haters this side of the Mississippi. Pimp cups overfloweth with watered down Hennessy. And watch where you step, or you may trip over a bedazzled cane!

This is a night for Ice and Coco to shine. Literally. Their pleather outfits are VERY shiny indeed. Even though Coco had to vomit for three days straight to get her corset that tight, I believe Ice (OPH, aka Original Player Hater), in his head-to-toe red snakeskin suit, is the star of the duo this time around.

Here we get a closer look at Ice's luxurious and hate-impervious jacket, as he announces the nominees of the 9th Annual International Player Hater's Ball.

Unfortunately hater of the year, Silky Johnson, was busy putting more water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish, and was not available for the group photo.

Once bitten, twice fly

ICE! Your cover is blown, bro. No real vampire would wear a cross around his neck.

Aside from the mythological faux pas, Coco and Ice are in true T-form. Red and black is a standard color scheme for these two, and they're pulling it off smashingly here. So many other demonstrations of their signature style are incorporated. Mesh tights on Coco, check. Sleeveless shirt for Ice, check. Coco's bosoms displayed front and center, check. Ice's fedora, check.

Ice adds a little flair with his plastic waffle vest and seemingly pleated leather pants -- it's nice to see him in some fun textures. However, he probably should've worn a more substantial vest; one without holes that those pesky wooden stakes can fit through.

I enjoy Coco's ironic horned headband. Her accessories may scream devil, but we know what an angel she really is! She hides her wings in her chest, you know. What else did you think she was hiding in there?

I wish I had more hands

So I could give those titties four thumbs UP.

Looks like Coco couldn't find a camisole to match. But you gotta work what you're workin' with, know what I'm sayin'? She really is generous with her nipple displays (shareolas). But as you know, an Iced Coco pic without Cocookie Nips is like Christmas without a drunken uncle making loud bigoted comments at the dinner table. It's kind of uncomfortable to witness, but you couldn't be sure you were in the right place without that element of familiarity.

As far as Ice's jacket, I thought the quilted look was in recently while I was shoe shopping. But some concerned souls told me these were hideous:


I returned them to the store, sadly. If I still had them, I'd mail them to Coco so she could complete the matching outfit look.

Cup Size: Ur Doin it Wrong

Oh Coco, I kid, I kid. By the looks of things, Coco is taking Ice to meet her parents for the very first time. They're going in disguise as non-nymphos, and are dressing the part as best they know how (but still unable to resist the urge to coordinate their outfits). Black clothing in opaque fabrics, check. Hipster glasses to demonstrate that they're serious about reading words, check. And most touching of all, Coco wore a bra for the occasion. Of course she hadn't been bra shopping since '97 when Mom made her wear one for her high school graduation, and this is that very same bra. But going mesh-free is a huge sacrifice....her parents should be flattered.

My Girl Coco: Flesh a la Mesh

One of Coco's greatest and most unique talents is being naked and wearing clothes at the same time. Mesh/netting facilitates this effect quite well, which is why half of her wardrobe consists of it.

A huge part of fashion is dressing for the occasion, and so figuring out where Coco is in each picture factors into the critique. This time, it appears she's attending a pimps and hos party....in someone's mom's basement. The paisley couch and low-grade berber carpet remind me of many a party in high school. Ice isn't present here, but if it's the type of party I mentioned, it's fitting Coco be ho-in' it up. But she chose quite the pimp to be her suitor! That pantsuit looks like its made of fine Asian silk, and his pimp cup is glamorous, but subtle enough to have a touch of class.

Gangsta rap maid me do it

So my initial thought is that this event must be on Halloween. But on second thought, it's probably just a Thursday.

During this average night on the town, Coco is going for Holly from Girls Next Door minus the look of crazy desperation meets Ally Sheedy in Maid to Order. And Ice is rocking a combo of Hef, Don King, and his paternal uncle, Mr. T. I also think Ice is rocking somethin' besides tobacco in that pipe.

Even Munch is too gangsta for those pants

I'm using today to weed out a few of my less fabulous shots. Coco was on the money here, but ICE, DUDE. What is up? Yes, he's wearing Crip Blue again, and by the looks of his jacket and presumably jersey underneath, he was attending a baseball game. But no matter how much you like the Yankees, blue polyester pants can never put the fab in ghetto fabulous. Those are high school janitor pants, Ice, I'm sorry. Coco must've been rooting for the opposing team, but I'm not sure who they were playing. Can anyone tell me what team has THIS for its mastcot?:

Business Caszzh

Yes, this is going to be a boring entry. But I want to make sure you all know I&C can dress professionally when going to a work-related event. Ice is wearing an all-black suit and a tie that you might find at Kohl's or JC Penney, in the old man section. Coco's dress is still cute and form fitting, but not a trace of nipple or even CLEAVAGE is visible. I want to say they're all business, but then again, I hold out hope Coco's wearing shoes with thick plastic platform heels.

COCO LOCO WEEKEND! :: Hunting the never elusive Coco Toe

Coco T doesn't so much "wear clothes" as she "accesorizes nudity." Many people get dressed with the intent of covering their bodies (particularly the areolas and labia for women), to prevent others from envisioning them naked during everyday interaction. But Ms. T likes to highlight her girl junk; here we see her in a variety of pants that all draw the eye directly to the Forbidden Zone. It's kind of like being nude, but with a lot more colors options than the simple "leather brown" that her skin offers.

Coco Loco Weekend! :: Mah neck..mah back...take a picture of mah crack

It used to be that showing a little plumber's crack was a HUGE faux pas. But like white shoes after Labor Day, butt cleavage has actually become fashion forward. However, if you're daring enough to try it, you have to make sure to wipe REALLY well after pooping. Brown streaks take the edge off the sexiness. Coco doesn't have that issue as her asshole is conveniently buried seven inches deep in bulging mounds of badonkadonk. Another problem she never has to contend with: visible panty lines.

Coco Loco Weekend! :: A walking testament to Hollywood Fashion Tape

Coco's Mom: Coco, I love you, but I have seen your tits one too many times for a mother looking at her own, grown child. Next time you go out in public, can you tone it down just a little?

Coco: Funny you should mention it. I'm going to a Maxim party tonight, and the outfit I have picked out completely covers my nipples, doesn't show any bellybutton, and has floor-length pants, too.

Coco's Mom: Oh Coco, thank you! Now I can read my Us Weekly without getting caught off guard with your half nekkid body and having images of Ice going balls deep D-style on you flashing in my mind.

Coco: I have to confess I won't be wearing any underwear.

Coco's Mom: That's all right dear, what I don't know won't hurt me.

COCO LOCO WEEKEND! :: R.I.P., this dude

Keep smiling like a damn fool while you still can, mutha fucka.

Seriously, has anyone seen this guy since the fateful night he was photographed with Coco mounting him from the side? I can't believe he thought it would be a good idea to capture this scene digitally.

Meanwhile, Coco is channeling Michelle Pfeiffer from Married to the Mob in a full-body, leopard print jumpsuit. The gangsta's wife is dressed like a gangster's wife. So was her male companion the victim of a drive-by, or is he sleeping with the fishes?

Don't hate the slicker, hate the rain

By the looks of the pile of fallen brown leaves around their feet, we know that the weather was probably MISERABLE this particular night I&C were hitting the town. This in mind, I think we really need to commend Ice's blend of sensible functionality and high style in his waterproof pimp suit. Staying dry doesn't mean you can't also look fly! Ice is taking a slight chance wearing shoes with bright white accents. But should he come upon a puddle, he can always test the depth with his cane before taking a step into murky waters.

Coco was also prepared for whatever Mother Nature was dishing out that night, opting for quick-drying fishnets in lieu of the more absorbent spandex pants we normally see her in. She's also wearing a brown curly wig to protect her fragile weave from the elements. Dirty, LA smog rain and real human hair extensions do NOT mix.

She's a lady in the street, but...

Keeping with the red and black theme from yesterday, I decided to show I&C looking a little more polished. Matching again, but that goes without saying. They clean up nice, but don't assume they've completely shed their hypersexual style for this occasion! Using photo enhancement software I borrowed from the special victims unit crime lab, we can see how Coco added a barely noticeable trace of her inner sex-freak to this otherwise tame ensemble. Observe:


This clever accessory reminds us: Ice's one-eyed snake is never far from Coco's lady bits.

What's black and red all over?*

The ensembles here aren't too terribly exciting. Ice is showing his love for Michael Jordan again, and sporting his usual mystery TM medallion (it's my mission to find out what that means). And we get to see the softer side of Coco, as she's opted for a feminine floral print, which also provides Coco Toe camouflage.

But the intrigue here for me is: What's Ice trying to say with his hands?

• What-EVER, Wal-Mart shopper.
  
• Westside for life....or at least until I get rich and move to Arizona with my big assed wife
• I get TWO hands in rock, paper, scissors. Ain't NOBODY beats Ice T at roshambo, mutha fucka.
• Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the doors and out come peeeples!
• ...and that, kids is how you give your lady friend the SUPER shocker.
  

*Ice's weiner when Coco's riding the crimson tide.

Spot the DD cup in this picture

Now before you go hating, let's cut Senor T some slack. What 50 year-old man doesn't have a little moob action going on? Yes, there are a few geriatrics who are psycho about fitness and pass me multiple times on the track at the park, but they have nothing else to do but run all day. Ice is very busy with his L&O filming schedule, choosing between the pimp fedora or the Yankees ballcap to wear to the red carpet event of the evening, and getting his rat tail re-braided. There is simply no time to hit the gym!

Meanwhile, back in our photo du jour, Coco is rocking what appears to be a Wicked Weasel bikini. I'm a little surprised she's risking tanlines by wearing a suit at all. But apparently she needed a cool refreshing dip after a chemical peel went terribly wrong. Maybe later, Ice will help her out with a salty face rinse to speed up the healing.

Never really knowing it was always...mesh and lace

Ice is looking pretty good in his sporty, citrus-inspired number. He's switched out his gold chain for whatever this occasion is, and he's opted for a light-colored version of his usually black Yankees hat. However, as is often the case, the conductor of the Fabulous Train in this photo is Coco.

The most important qualities one must have as a fashionista are a tendency for the unexpected and the courage to wear stuff no one else is wearing. Coco is 2 for 2.

Unexpected: Jeans are traditionally worn as pants. Coco blows our minds by sporting jeans in the form of a bikini-top-shirt. This is also unexpected for Coco in general because denim is a very thick fabric, meaning you can't make out her nipples nor their piercings.

Stuff no one else is wearing: Bikini-top-shirts worn out in public are standard fare for Coco, and former porn stars from all across the land, so I wouldn't consider this too ground-breaking. The completely unique aspect here is her choice to wear LACE pants. This doesn't fall under "unexpected" because you really should expect Coco to wear see-through clothes.

And the random guy on the right--I'm guessing this was totally his MySpace picture for like a year. What an honor to be photographed with the Royal Family!

Sexually Based Offense

Sweet jebus, as soon as I saw this picture, I knew I had to include it in my very next entry even though it's not really a fashion item. Coco and Tamara Tunie are tag-teaming Dan Florek in an SVU cast-party grindfest! I find that especially heinous.

I mean, I love Dan Florek, but he's kind of an old geezer and not exactly Us Weekly material. I suppose this is like a mercy grind. I hope Coco at least gave Richard Belzer a lapdance, so he wouldn't feel left out.

This makes me wonder about the saucy behind-the-scenes world of the Law & Order community. What else don't I know about?? I guess you have to be kind of pervy to work on a show that's mostly about teenage sex rings and female prison face rapes.

Couples Outfit Series, Part I

I learned at a very young age, by observing the crowds at Six Flags Over Mid-America, that matching boyfriend/girlfriend clothing was a great way to demonstrate your thugged-out status.

It must've been Valentine's Day here! Not only are they wearing the traditional colors of red and white, but it appears Coco has vowed to give Ice a day-long hand job, not even pausing for the flashing bulbs of the entertainment media. I think they also might be kinking it up a bit, since it appears Coco's wearing an adult diaper or large panty shield of some kind under her signature spandex pants. Oooooh, risque!

And the Cocookie Nips. There they are. I almost don't want to comment on them, since it's going to get tedious, but they're an important signature item.